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Healing is a fucking process

I Posted in my Stories about my healing process sort of. I didn’t go in detail. I will say that I am in a much better place I was a year ago, thank you god. You may lack in one area but thrive in another area. For example, I strive in my professional life. I know my strengths and I know If i set my mind to something I can do it. In my personal life I had to do the work. Pretty quotes and pictures on Instagram doesn’t show all the work what I had to do to get to this place. I still have journal entries of my depression days. I still have the journal entry of the night I was rushed to the hospital when I had my first anxiety attack. It happened on my 23rd birthday, January 30th, 2010. In the weeks before it, I began having a lump on my chest, like I couldn’t breath. I was having crazy thoughts, that I was going to die, that something bad was going to happen. The day came and I was hyper ventilating and couldn’t breath. It was my mother, myself and my niece at the time she was 3 years old. My doctor recommended therapy and to take care of myself. The take care of yourself didn’t register with me at the time. That anxiety happened years of sadness, holding on to emotions, being angry, etc. I written/talked about this before that depression arrive in my life at the age 16, when my parents separated. My first anxiety attack was at 23 and followed I had my first therapy session.

Shit does not happen overnight, from 23 to 31 it has been up and down. In a place to try to be good, but still be angry, yet “moving forward” but having daddy issues, trust issues, low self esteem. All those years I’ll post pretty pictures with smiling faces, etc. but I was miserable in half those pictures. Two in a half years ago right when I started this blog I made a permanent decision that I did not want to live like this anymore. That’s when I really started to put in work, I just quit my job and had to seek help not only for my mental health but also my physical health. I had chronic anemia and almost received a blood transfusion, I was overweight as well. A year and change after the doctor cleared me of chronic anemia, I made another decision to do a weight loss journey and stay consistent with it. Ill post to hold myself accountable. I’ve lost 50 pounds to date and I started June 2017. Last year when I was at the peek of my weight loss journey, My cousin died of Breast cancer. if you have followed me on other social media pages I’ve had (i deleted like two) you know I did a breast cancer in honor of her, well she died last year and I was dealing with her grief as well as a con artist that came to my life and sold me a dream of himself. Both experiences helped me uncovered the layers that I needed to removed in order to move forward in life and live my best self. Like I had baggage, mental, emotional, physical baggage that I began being a turn off to myself. If I wanted to start a new relationship, it would of been another ship wreck. I said that last winter was the coldest and depressing winter I’ve had in years because I had to really go through the healing. I had to forgive, let go, hold myself accountable. I don’t know what it is about death but it makes you see a different side of life. Certain things is just not worth your time.

I have a lot to say but don’t say it because it could make others uncomfortable. But then again, my purpose may not be serving them, so to each its own. I speak on my experiences and I like to share my lessons with others online and offline. However, I’m still learning of this thing called life. I’m still uncovering layers of myself, I use to cry everyday. I have my moments but I’m 80% positive and happy. I use to do a gratitude challenge because I heard through mama Oprah that Gratitude changes your life and it does trust me. I even did a gratitude journal and thou I was saying thank you, I wasn’t really feeling it in my soul because of all the baggage I had with me.Let me tell you that gratitude changes lives (I’m gonna write a later post about it) when I started practicing gratitude and started feeling it in my soul, I felt like i didn’t need anything else in life I was good and content. I do come from a place of gratitude and I am developing a much healthier, stronger connection with god because I doubted him, I didn’t trust him. I pray every morning because I do know that prayers do work and If they worked for me in the past and yet I didn’t trust him. You see what the negative mind does? Prayers work A LOT but I dint trust him, smh.

You can be moving towards a positive place in life, but still be uncovering layers of the life you trying to leave behind. That’s okay if you not all put together. This is the journey I am right now, in a few years it can be a different journey with different lessons, like when I become a mom that will be different lessons.

I’m a book nerd to the 20th power and I want to share three books that I go back to time and time again and have helped me in my healing process.

1. The power of Now by Eckhart Tolle –

2. The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

3. The seat of the soul by Gary Zukav

I will be creating an amazon list of all my favorite stuff that you can pick up. stay tuned for it.

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